Another So Soon?
Am I posting a blog again so soon? Yup. There's a lot on my mind, I guess. If I were to re-title this, I'd call it "Anxious, Overwhelmed, and Guilt." These are the three feelings that summarize me right now. On that note, I'll elaborate.
"Anxious: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome." If you asked me if I was nervous a week ago, you heard a confident "No." But now I think I may feel a bit uneasy about a whole new venture (yes, that's venture, not a typo for adventure). These are the things that I'm not worried over, but concerned about: a solitary (confinement) ten hour drive, a large school bill that will require trusting God to see paid off (by the way, I struggle with trust), a brand new institution of people that I've never met yet I'll expect to befriend, and another dive into study of which I've taken a two-year break.
I think any student could relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed. Honestly, I don't even think I have anything actually overwhelming me. I just feel like I have so much to do in such little time. And maybe that's true if I feel I haven't spent enough time with family and friends. One thing I do know, is that my last day of work is this Friday and I leave EARLY the following morning. From those things to cleaning my room, to organizing my luggage, to hoping I'll get four unreceived paychecks, I'm not ashamed to say I'm overwhelmed.
Guilt. I've lacked money to the point of needing to borrow from my dad and friends. Those debts cause me to feel guilt. I can't help it. My longest carry of guilt was for six years when my friend's dad paid $25 for an event ticket for me. I was fifteen at the time and I just, this past year, paid him back. For those entire six years I carried the weight of guilt and responsibility to pay my debt. The money I've borrowed, I'll easily be able to pay back. Nonetheless, it bothers my conscience to no end. A funny thing about me is that, like a girl, I can't forget about something until it's done. In this case, I can't distance myself from these emotions until I've conquered them. And victory has no choice but to wait until this Saturday evening when, Lord-willing, I'll arrive at school. Even then will some of these things still be on my mind, and I'd be under God's mercy to not obtain the so common pressure of stress.